The names have been changed, for the most part, to protect myself from persecution. The events are as accurate as I can remember them.
Fear is a
powerful thing. It makes you do things that your common sense and conscious
mind know are wrong. I found myself lying to everyone – my co-workers, my
friends and my family. You find yourself rationalizing things to yourself that
would seem nuts to other people. “If I am just nicer or quieter or more prompt,
then he won’t hit me or rape me or I will get a little bit of affection.”
I was made to
feel so low about myself and brainwashed to believe that he was the only person
who would ever love me. I had become so obsessed with him that I followed him
when he wasn’t with me. One day in particular stands out to me. I have fought
with him about something or another. We were still living in Germany and in the
barracks. He went down to see his friend (name withheld) who lived on the first floor. I
went down and climbed into the friend's window. HE got up and grabbed me by the
throat and pinned me to the door. He lifted me off of my feet and told me he
would kill me. That was the first time he really was abusive. It was also the
first time he tried to kill me.
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