I lost my cousin yesterday.

I am very sad. Yesterday the man who was like a father to me passed away, my cousin Bobby. He had been ill for over a month. I found out that he was sick on Thursday evening. I was torn about rushing to Buffalo to see him. I am so busy getting ready for Palmetto Tat Days. Shawn encouraged me to go. I left on Friday morning and drove by myself up to Buffalo. I got there just in time to get to see him Friday night before the visiting hours were over. I stayed at the Double Tree Hotel right across the street from the hospital.

I was told to be prepared that he was confused and may not know who I was. Bobby recognized me right away and was happy that I came to see him. He even shed a few tears. I got lots of kisses from him and a big hug. He was very weak, but found the strength to hug me. That warmed my heart.

I spent time with his daughter Shelly on Saturday and then spent about 3 hours at the hospital with him. I was sitting in the room and tatting. He kept staring at me smiling. I reminded him of our grandmother and that brought a smile to his face.

I ran back to the hospital just before visiting hours on Saturday night to say good bye to him. We talked about me going to visit again for my birthday at the end of September. He said he'd be there waiting. I guess he couldn't hold on.

I came home on Sunday morning, making a pit stop at my son's house in Pittsburgh.

I was running errands on Monday afternoon when I got a text from my cousin Shelly saying he was gone. I felt like I had been gut punched. I just knew he was going to get better. What a shock. I am so happy that I felt the pull and went to Buffalo, even tho I had so much to do here in MD. I would be devastated if I passed up the opportunity to see him one more time. I have those memories for ever. I had just reconnected with him after many years apart.

In the short time we had together, I felt loved like I had never felt from a family member. I felt accepted and loved my every person in his family. He even confirmed my memories of how my mom treated me when I was growing up. I am going to cultivate and build the relationships with my dad's side of the family. We never got to see them growing up because we were always visiting my mother's family. I want to know my dad's people.

I am not able to attend the funeral. I need to stay home and take care of things here.

Well, I need to go to bed. It will be a busy day tomorrow. Lots to do to get ready for Palmetto. I pray my next post is happier than this one.

Palmetto is almost here

Palmetto is almost here and I am NOT ready. I will be working every day getting my items ready to sell. Every day I think of something else I want to sell on my vending table and have to make them. UGH. Why oh why do I do this to myself every time?

Why do I put myself thru this every time? I work and work to get things done and then get distracted and don't finish when I want to. I'd love to be able to sit back and relax knowing that all of the products I want to place on my vending table are finished, tagged, and packed up ready to go, but that's not reality. Reality is that I have about 50 more skeins of thread to dye, about 50 more shuttles in various stages of completion, other projects not ready and my display items are scattered all over the house.

I haven't even gotten my shuttles and thread ready for my classes yet. I have 15 days left until I leave. As always, I'll be ready, but I will work my rear end off to make it in time.

I'll be going to Virginia on Tuesday evening to stay at a friend's house so I don't have to deal with DC rush hour traffic or leave at 5 am to meet up with the people I'm caravanning down to GA with. One of the ladies I'm traveling with needs to stop every few hours for a break, so we are going to take our time. Taking two days to travel 600 miles will probably drive me bonkers, but it will be good. I like to get there ASAP, but if I did that, I'd miss the fellowship and company of some wonderful ladies. It will be worth it to take our time. I can wrap my thread onto my shuttles in the hotel room on Wednesday evening. One thing I don't have to do in the next 15 days.

I can't wait to get there. It is going to be so much fun.

I did take a break from the prep and take a beading class the past two Saturdays. It was so much fun. I make a loom bracelet called Tropical Fish Garden. Funny because the fish in the picture are all salt water fish and tropical fish are all fresh water. I love my bracelet. I only need to put the clasps on now. I am going to take several beading classes in the near future. Two before Palmetto.

All of the prep for Tat Days and the wedding prep was getting to me, so I needed a distraction. I went back to something I love - beading. I have always tatted with beads, but beading is a true passion of mine. I can share my time with them all. I know I can do it.

Well, off to bed so I can get up early and back to work. Progress report to come soon. No photo of what I'm selling yet. I'm not ready to say what I'm going to have on my table.

Depression and all that goes with it

It's so sad about Robin Williams and him losing the battle with depression, but in every tragedy, there is a blessing. People are now talking about depression and finding out that it is a real disease. It is not something to pray away or just get over and be happy. Maybe people will now understand that people who suffer from this monster of a disease really are sick. Keep the conversations going...

I sometimes tell people that I suffer from Major Depressive Disorder, PTSD, and Social Anxiety. It shocks some people because I don't "act" like I'm depressed. What people don't understand is that I won't go into a situation that I'm not comfortable in. So when they see me, I'm OK to be there and can get some sense of normalcy. I like to talk. It's just something that I like to do. What you don't know about me, is that I won't talk if I'm not comfortable. I have remained silent when I was home with guests in my home.

What people don't see is when I cry uncontrollably at home because I have to go to the grocery store alone. Or when I stand at the door with my hand on the doorknob sweating profusely trying to get the courage to go outside. Or when I sit on my couch all day long and don't move except to let the dogs out because they have been whining for 2 hours.

Depression is a very private illness. Most of us don't let others see the effects of it. We don't brag about being depressed or joke about it. When I hear someone who is sad say "I'm so depressed" I just cringe. If they only knew. We suffer in silence because no one wants to hear about the thoughts of suicide that flood our minds or the constant noise in our ears. I call it the static. I hear it ALL THE TIME. It drives me bonkers. I don't talk about it. No one wants to hear it, so I just put on a smile and pretend that everything is OK.

I can't stand a lot of repetitive sounds and a lot of different conversations going on all at the same time. I get overwhelmed and feel trapped. When I walk into a room, I look for the exits. No matter where I am. If I need to, I'm going to run. My husband is my "rock". If I am with him, I can go anywhere, as long as I have a line of vision to him.

I don't know when this depression started in me. I can't pinpoint a time in my life that I felt or didn't feel depressed. I have gotten snippets of memory of when I was younger wanting to end my own life. I don't know if all young people think this or not. I don't know what is normal or what is from the depression. I have never asked anyone else if they felt the same way. I really don't want to know. I just know that I have been diagnosed and take meds every day. They really don't help. Just take the edge off.

I'm not depressed all day, every day. I do have good times and good days. I can't explain it. I just know that with the death of Robin Williams, people are speaking about it and I'm grateful that they are.