Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Depression and all that goes with it

It's so sad about Robin Williams and him losing the battle with depression, but in every tragedy, there is a blessing. People are now talking about depression and finding out that it is a real disease. It is not something to pray away or just get over and be happy. Maybe people will now understand that people who suffer from this monster of a disease really are sick. Keep the conversations going...

I sometimes tell people that I suffer from Major Depressive Disorder, PTSD, and Social Anxiety. It shocks some people because I don't "act" like I'm depressed. What people don't understand is that I won't go into a situation that I'm not comfortable in. So when they see me, I'm OK to be there and can get some sense of normalcy. I like to talk. It's just something that I like to do. What you don't know about me, is that I won't talk if I'm not comfortable. I have remained silent when I was home with guests in my home.

What people don't see is when I cry uncontrollably at home because I have to go to the grocery store alone. Or when I stand at the door with my hand on the doorknob sweating profusely trying to get the courage to go outside. Or when I sit on my couch all day long and don't move except to let the dogs out because they have been whining for 2 hours.

Depression is a very private illness. Most of us don't let others see the effects of it. We don't brag about being depressed or joke about it. When I hear someone who is sad say "I'm so depressed" I just cringe. If they only knew. We suffer in silence because no one wants to hear about the thoughts of suicide that flood our minds or the constant noise in our ears. I call it the static. I hear it ALL THE TIME. It drives me bonkers. I don't talk about it. No one wants to hear it, so I just put on a smile and pretend that everything is OK.

I can't stand a lot of repetitive sounds and a lot of different conversations going on all at the same time. I get overwhelmed and feel trapped. When I walk into a room, I look for the exits. No matter where I am. If I need to, I'm going to run. My husband is my "rock". If I am with him, I can go anywhere, as long as I have a line of vision to him.

I don't know when this depression started in me. I can't pinpoint a time in my life that I felt or didn't feel depressed. I have gotten snippets of memory of when I was younger wanting to end my own life. I don't know if all young people think this or not. I don't know what is normal or what is from the depression. I have never asked anyone else if they felt the same way. I really don't want to know. I just know that I have been diagnosed and take meds every day. They really don't help. Just take the edge off.

I'm not depressed all day, every day. I do have good times and good days. I can't explain it. I just know that with the death of Robin Williams, people are speaking about it and I'm grateful that they are.


  1. Depression is an ugly battle to fight and quite common, yet kept "secret." Ruth Bell Graham was asked if a person who committed suicide went to heaven. She responded "God may have not called him home, but He certainly welcomed him."
    I once heard these audible words from God: "Life & death are My choice, not yours." The voice was so gentle and full of such compassion and love that it could never be repeated the same by a human. Blessings as you continue to have victory in an all too common battle. Karen

  2. Thank you Karen. It is amazing how many people are now willing to discuss their illness. It is comforting to know that we don't suffer alone and that others can empathize with us. It's a daily battle, but one that I will continue to fight.